


Of Despair, Truth and Love

by feralgosto



Series: What We Fight For [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence, Despair, Destiel - Freeform, Drinking, Episode 15x18, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Happy Ending, M/M, SPN season 15, Saileen - Freeform, The Empty (Supernatural), spn 15x18, spn 15x19, spn alternate finale, we all know that the finale sucked
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:15:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27671240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feralgosto/pseuds/feralgosto
Summary: Chuck has been defeated. The Winchesters earned their freedom. However, moving on is not an easy thing to do, especially when there are unresolved feelings, unsaid things and family members that need saving.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Series: What We Fight For [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2189463
Comments: 4
Kudos: 80





	Of Despair, Truth and Love

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written a fanfic since 2014 or so and I have never written a Supernatural fanfic before. But I just had to get it out of my system.  
> Any suggestions, constructive criticism and reviews are appreciated!

"Yes, Charlie, I know it’s all too soon, but-" Sam stopped short of finishing the sentence as he registered Dean walking into the bunker kitchen. Or rather, stumbling.

"I- I’ll call you later." he ended the call swiftly and watched his brother reach for a whiskey glass. Only there weren’t any left, which made Dean shrug and take a sip directly from the bottle he’d been carrying. So much for breakfast, thought Sam as his brother all too ignored the toast Sam had left for him at the counter.

"Hey, Dean.." Sam started, carefully thinking about choosing his next words. Dean shot him a glance that almost challenged Sam to comment, to question his brother’s behaviour.

"So I was thinking, after Eileen gets here, we could…" started Sam again, and Dean walked over and slumped to the seat across the table, placing his whiskey on the table with a loud sound. He gave Sam a questioning look.

"I was thinking we could hit the books and try to find a way to bring Cas back…" he said, maybe too softly. Dean just stared at him.

"Bring Cas back?" he asked, voice a bit coarse.

"Yes. There’s bound to be a way to contact the Empty, or to open a portal…" he started, searching for any indication of the nature of Dean’s thoughts in his eyes. Truth to be told, Sam knew a lot about how Dean felt about it. About losing Cas. He remembered the way his voice broke when he told them. _Cas is gone._ He remembered how Dean demanded that Chuck would bring all the people back, that he would bring Cas back, bargaining their own lives. He remembered the way he looked when he saw Cas‘ name on his phone, and the disappointment, the resignation when it turned out to be Lucifer.

"There isn’t a way, Sammy. He made a deal. Unless we want another pissed entity on our asses, he…Cas...stays there." Dean said, pulling Sam out of his thoughts. He obviously tried to sound determined, but Sam knew the truth. He could smell the whiskey on his brother’s breath, he could see the dark circles around his dead-looking eyes.

"Jack is basically a God now. I’m sure he can help. There has to be something we can-"

"There isn’t! Cas is gone! He’s dead and he’s not coming back!" Dean snapped. But Sam wasn’t having it.

"Is it me you’re trying to convince, or you?" he asked, looking straight into his brother’s eyes. Dean swallowed and without a word stood up and started to leave, bringing his half-empty whiskey bottle along.

"Dean!"

But he was already gone.

* * *

"I’m telling you, he’ll kill himself at this rate. We have to do something. There has to be something about the Empty in here…" said Sam, placing another stack of books on the table. It was late, and they’ve been cooped up in there since lunch, but Eileen wasn’t complaining, she just nodded, picking up another book and slowly opening it. Sam did the same, however, his own words were ringing in his ears. It’d been two weeks. Two weeks since they defeated Chuck, gained their freedom. Two weeks since Cas died. And they had nothing so far.

"Did Dean mention to you how Castiel summoned the Empty back then?" asked Eileen, half signing her question. Sam sighed. That was a qood question, too.

"No, not really. Something about a deal Cas made when Jack died." admitted Sam. He tried to contact Jack and ask him about the deal as soon as he managed to get that information out of Dean, but he didn’t respond. Probably busy. The truth was, he couldn’t find anything on the Empty in the bunker’s library, let alone on any sort of deal that could’ve been made with it. Angels didn’t have souls to bargain either. He was truly at loss.

They stayed up for another hour, until their eyes were so weary they couldn’t read anymore. Sam was on his way to bed when he heard a voice coming from Dean’s room. He silently crept closer to the slightly open door.

"Cas, I…" Dean’s words were said in shaky voice, almost whispered. Sam felt a pang of guilt in his stomach. He shouldn’t be listening.

"I’m so sorry. I should’ve told you…I should’ve told you too…" Dean said softly, but his voice was raw. Sam couldn’t recall when was the last time he sounded so broken. He heard a sniff and a clank, probably a bottle hitting the floor. He was willing himself to move, to leave. He shouldn’t be hearing this. But before he could move a muscle, he heard sobs. No, Dean wasn’t just sobbing.

He was crying. He was hurting.

Sam swallowed and let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He dared to look through the tiny door opening. The room was a mess, full of empty bottles, dark, suffocating, the only source of light being a single lamp on the nightstand. Dean was sitting on the floor, propped against his bed, head dropped in his hands, shoulders shaking. A cracked whiskey bottle laid next to him, its contents spilled. Sam was torn. Part of him wanted to go in, to comfort his brother, to hold him and make him feel better. But he knew Dean would hate that. He hated showing his feelings, he hated being seen vulnerable. With a heavy heart, Sam turned his gaze away and silently went to bed.

He couldn’t sleep that night, Dean’s sobs still echoing in his mind.

* * *

"I know it’s a long shot, but we have to try." Eileen nodded, taking a sip from her coffee. They’ve been searching for the most obscure lore books the previous night and Sam could see she was tired. But he also knew she wouldn’t hear of it. She wanted to help.

"Good morning.. " came a grumpy greeting from behind them. Sam turned to see Dean coming in, wearing the same shirt he had been for past three days, his unshaven face making him look older than he was. Sam waited for Dean to sit with them and take another sip from his beer before clearing his throat. Beer was better than whiskey, at least.

"Dean, listen, we’ve been talking, and I think we should try contacting Jack." he said, and Dean just stared at him with empty eyes.

"About Cas." he added and immediately noticed the melancholic frown that settled on his brother’s face upon hearing it. He didn’t say anything.

"You said Cas made that deal to save him, right? So Jack might know some details, something we’ve missed or that we can use.. " Sam continued, hoping to convince Dean to open up about the details he knew his brother hadn’t shared. He shot a quick glance at Eileen.

"We thought that if we knew the conditions of that deal, it might help us find a way to counter it. I’ve read a book that-" she started enthusiastically.

"Happiness." Dean said suddenly. Eileen and Sam both gave him perplexed look. Happiness? When Dead didn’t continue, choosing rather to finish his beer in a single gulp, Sam gave him a questioning look.

"Care to elaborate?"

Dean swallowed and ran a hand through his messy hair. He looked like he hadn’t showered in days.

"The Empty would…it would take him when.. when he experienced a moment of true happiness. " he said finally, his eyes fixed on the empty beer bottle in his hands. Sam exchanged surprised look with Eileen.

"So, when he…"

_died_

"…when he was taken, he was happy?" he asked carefully, not knowing what sort of reaction to expect from Dean and he didn’t want to miss this chance. Dean just pursed his lips.

"Nobody dies happy, Sam." He muttered and when he raised his eyes, Sam noticed the distinct glassy look. He wanted to press more. He had to. Dean had to talk about it.

"What happened, Dean? I mean, what really happened?" he asked. Dean blinked and carelessly wiped at his eyes. Then he suddenly stood up, dangerously swaying to the side. Not so sober then.

"Dean, we have to know. Cas was my friend too. Please."

"No, you don’t. Do something productive. Hunt. Get married." Sam noticed Eileen’s cheeks flush red at that.

"Just leave it be. What’s dead stays dead."

"Dean, I re-"

"I said leave it, Sam!" barked Dean and Sam knew that opportunity had been lost even before Dean walked out, unsteady on his feet.

* * *

Following days had been almost unbearable. Sam and Eileen went to clear a small vampire nest in a town nearby, but other than that they stayed in the bunker. It seemed that monster activity had been steadily decreasing, too. Probably Jack’s doing, thought Sam. When he mentioned it to Dean during the usual afternoon drink, his brother just shrugged.

"Good. Less work for us." he mumbled, clearly disinterested.

"So, Eileen and I have been thinking about going to visit Charlie and Stevie, you coming with us?" said Sam, attempting to have a decent conversation with Dean, which seemed harder than impossible lately. It seemed like perfect time, too, being it just two of them with Eileen out shopping. Dean looked like he considered it for less than a second.

"I’ll pass." he said, taking a sip from his beer.

"Come on, man, you gotta get out of here. Do something. Live a little." Dean shot him a look bordering on a glare. _Good,_ thought Sam. He wanted Dean to get angry, to break and spill. He wanted to help him. So he continued, determined.

"Wouldn’t that be what Cas wanted for you?" he asked. This time Dean truly glared at him, his mouth twitching slightly. It was working.

"Wouldn’t Cas want you to use this chance? To have a life?" he asked again, his gaze unwavering. Dean frowned.

"Shut your mouth, Sam." he growled. Sam smirked.

"No, Dean, I won't. I’m tired of seeing you beating yourself about this. Cas has given his life for you and this is what you choose to do with it? Drink by day and wallow in self-pity by night?!" he continued, his voice steady. In part, he wanted to rile Dean up, but he also wanted to vent his own frustration. Cas was his friend, too. Dean just stared at him, knuckles on his hand holding the bottle turning white. He narrowed his eyes and Sam could have sworn he saw him shaking a bit.

"Screw you." he gritted through his teeth and got up to leave. Again.

"Yeah Dean, just go away. Hide in your room and cry, if that’s all you can give Cas in return!" he said firmly and saw Dean freeze in his tracks. _Bingo_.

His brother slowly turned around and his expression seemed like a mixture of anger, guilt and panic. Sam also stood up, towering slightly over Dean.

"That’s right. I know. And either you tell me what the hell happened back then or I swear I’ll drag Cas out myself to tell me." he stated, his eyes piercing Dean’s. He felt victorious.

Even as Dean’s fist connected with his jaw.

He felt the pain shoot through his jaw and cheek and took a step back to steady himself, looking over to Dean. His brother was shaking slightly, his breathing seemed to be a little too quick and shallow, his eyes red and glassy.

"Don’t you dare." He breathed out, his voice breaking.

"Don’t you dare thinking that you know! You don’t know shit!" he spat accusingly and Sam could see tears spilling out of Dean’s eyes. He reached out for him, but Dean swatted his hand and turned away from him, wiping at his eyes and trying to conceal what could only be a sniffle. Sam felt guilty, but he knew he had to do this.

"Then tell me, Dean, please. Just tell me. I won’t think of you any different, no matter what…" he said as gently as he could, knowing that Dean’s relationship with Cas had always been a touchy subject.

"You owe Cas as much."

Dean still had his back turned to him, but Sam saw him take a deep and shaky breath.

"Cas said…" he started with trembling voice and took a sip of beer, although Sam could have sworn the bottle must have been empty by now. He didn’t push. He knew the barrier had been broken.

"He said he loved me."

Before Sam could process the implications and the weight of what Dean has just shared with him, his brother turned to him, tears streaming down his face. Yet he looked more alive than he had in past weeks.

"He said he loved me and I… I couldn’t… I didn’t say it back. I didn’t say it back Sammy…" he muttered, his voice so filled with despair and pain and regret it brought tears to Sam’s eyes too. He wanted to reach out and comfort him, but Dean felt too far. Too distant. Too lost.

"I’m sure he knew, Dean. He knew." He said reassuringly the first thing that came to his mind. Dean stifled something between a sob and a bitter laugh.

"He didn’t, Sammy. He didn’t and I…" he swallowed, new wave of tears gathering in his eyes. "I let him die thinking that..not knowing…fuck.. " he desperately tried to wipe away the wetness from his face. He looked down at his now empty beer bottle and seemed to look for his words, which weren’t coming. Sam stood there, unsure what to do. Unsure how he could comfort him, how he could alleviate all that pain and guilt Dean was feeling.

And then, his brother was leaving, again.

"You will tell him, Dean. We will get him back. " he said, but didn’t know whether Dean heard him or not, his steps echoing away.

 _Time to try one more time,_ thought Sam.

* * *

"Jack answered?"

"Yes, and get this, he says there is a way to open a portal to the Empty. Some old, black magic. But only humans can pass through." Sam said excitedly, while Eileen was unloading groceries. He quickly filled her in on what he managed to find out from Dean, and that Jack finally decided to answer his prayers. He felt the momentum, and he was sure she did too. "So, what do we need to open this portal? " she asked almost too casually and Sam could’ve kissed her right there and then, but there were more pressing things to do.

"A few ingredients, I think we should have most of it here. Jack gave me the spell, so…" he trailed off, running his hand through his hair. Eileen gave him a knowing look.

"We might also need something like a thread…to find Cas in the Empty." he added, finally. He knew this part of the plan was up to Dean. If someone could locate Cas in vast emptiness filled with his guilt and worst memories, it was Dean. But not the Dean that cried himself to sleep and lived only off booze.

"Have you told Dean yet?" she asked, probably way too aware of just how much of Dean’s willpower might be needed to pull this off. Sam shook his head.

"He’s not in his best mind right now. I think we should wait, prepare what we can, and then… I’ll talk to him." he said. While Sam was sure Dean wouldn’t refuse, there was no way he would, he also feared the consequences of a failure. Dean couldn’t take much more when it came to losing Cas. Eileen nodded, clearly thinking about all that was said.

"And you said only humans can pass through?"

* * *

It had been a month. A month since they won. A month since Cas died. A month since Dean lost.

Dean contemplated pouring himself a glass, but then raised the bottle instead. _To Cas_ , he thought bitterly, unable to even say it out loud.

Then he heard a knock. He sighed, slowly got up, feeling the stiffness of his entire being make itself known in his joints, and he slowly opened the door.

"What do you want, Sam?" he asked. He wanted to be alone, Sam knew that. He also didn’t really want to see him, or anyone, after that talk. At all. He had been avoiding both him and Eileen rather successfully. But Sam ignored all that, obviously, and pushed past him into his dirty, messy room.

"We’re getting Cas back." he said excitedly. Dean looked at him, feeling very, very tired, and yet unable to fight the tiniest spark of hope that he felt upon hearing that. That one could never be extinguished.

"What are you talking about..?" he asked instead. Sam grinned just a little and proceeded to tell him about an old spell he got from Jack, the ingredients he gathered, and a portal it would open. A portal to the Empty. Dean listened, his heart feeling heavy with this can’t work, and yet his pulse increasing with but it might.

"So what then, you think Empty will just let Cas walk out? Just like that, no consequences? That’s not how this works, Sammy. There’s always a price to pay, you know that." he said, hating how his coarse voice didn’t have enough strength. But Sam’s determination didn’t seem to falter.

"I know. And there is a price to pay." he said. "Since humans can’t pass through and the Empty can't hold human souls.. " he started explaining, but Dean already knew where he was heading.

"Cas would have to become human…" he finished, finally realizing that this, this might actually be their chance. To get Cas back. But it sounded too good to be true.

"How do we know that he can even do that? Become human, grow a soul…"

"He already did that before, remember? When he lost his grace. He just has to give it up for good. " said Sam, like it was the easiest thing in the world. Like Cas would even want to give up his angelic grace, his very essence, to be with them. _To be with him_. He swallowed, telling himself to not have so much hope in such plan, to not hope too much. Then he looked around, as if the empty bottles could give him some assurance or answers. He tried to remember Cas, all the good times, all that he had said to him. But it was as if all his memories had been stained with pitch black goo. And his heart hurt.

"I can’t do this, Sam. I can’t."

* * *

Sam sighed as he watched his vegan bacon simmer in the pan. He had been foolish to believe that Dean could be convinced with the mere possibility of saving Cas when the risk of another heartbreak was so high. He was just about to sit down to eat when he heard a loud crash, metal bending and glass breaking. He quickly turned off the stove and took off in the direction of that noise, meeting up with Eileen on the way.

"The garage." She signed to him and Sam had an idea what that noise was. When they arrived in the garage, his guess was more than confirmed.

There was Dean, sitting on the floor next to the Impala, its trunk beaten and rear window shattered, presumably by a crowbar lying on the floor next to Dean, whose head hung low. Sam turned to Eileen, who nodded and quietly left the garage.

"Dean?" he tried. His brother only sobbed and Sam hated how desperate that sound was, carried through the garage. He sat down next to him, carefully studying his brother’s features. He looked liked a shell of a man he used to be.

"What happened?“ Dean turned his gaze to him. His eyes were bloodshot, his face hollow. He swallowed and looked back at the floor. Sam sighed and stood up, walking around the car to examine the damage. And there it was.

He could see the piece of beige fabric wedged in between the bent metal. He felt a sharp pain in his chest.

Castiel’s old trench coat. Sam thought Cas had gotten rid of it when he got the new one, but that obviously wasn’t the case. It had been there the whole time.

He looked over to Dean again, who hadn’t moved an inch.

"Dean, we have to do this. We have to try…" he said, certain that Dean knew what he was talking about.

"And I’ll do it, with or without you." he added and left the garage, leaving Dean to face his own decision.

* * *

„Let’s go over this again. I’ll cast the spell, opening the portal. Then I‘ll go through, using whatever holds Cas‘ connection as a guide to find him. Once I do, all he has to do is give up his grace, and then we can summon the portal to get back.“ Sam summarized the plan to Eileen, who nodded nervously. She had voiced her concerns to him the night before, saying that they needed Dean’s help. Sam knew that, too. But he owed it to Cas to try, with or without his brother. He walked over to the table to check all the ingredients, almost a mechanical motion.

"So you were serious about that, huh?" Sam turned to Dean, who just walked through the door. At least he seemed steady on his feet. Sam was glad to see him, because it could only mean one thing.

"You’re in?" he asked, locking his eyes with Dean’s. _He looks a bit more like himself_ , the thought. Dean sighed and nodded, joining them by the table.

"Cas is family." he said, and Sam exchanged quick look with Eileen, but neither dared to pry. Only then Sam noticed that the army green jacket Dean wore had a bloody hand print on the shoulder and he swallowed. Dean noticed.

"You mentioned a thread…to find him." He said, running his hand along the bloody marks. The last of Cas he had. It was kind of poetic, really, seeing as their first meeting left Dean with a handprint-shaped scar on his shoulder. He looked at Sam and Eileen. Everyone must have shared the thought.

_This has to work._

"I can only hold the portal open for about five hours. If you don’t find Cas until then, the Empty will throw you out and the portal will be closed. This is our only chance." Sam reminded him and Dean nodded.

"And remember, if something goes wrong, we can’t count on Jack. He can‘t interfere within the Empty. To maintain balance. Even giving us the spell might have put the balance in jeopardy unless we are really careful about it." he added while Eileen finished the preparation of the ingredients. Dean swallowed and nodded. Balance. That made the stakes high. But Cas made them higher.

Sam walked over to the table and started reciting something in Latin, reading it from a tiny piece of paper. The ingredients started burning up and for a while, nothing was happening. And then, Dean felt the hair on the nape of neck stand up. A pool of black goo started to bubble on the wall in front of them. Dean knew that goo all too well. It was a recurring appearance in his worst nightmares, in his mind, in his heart, in the pit of his stomach. Sam kept on chanting the Latin and the goo continued spreading until it created a man-sized hole. Dean took a deep breath and without second thoughts walked through, only one thing on his mind.

 _Castiel_.

* * *

He found himself in a vaguely familiar house. And only when he had seen himself, Sam, Bobby and a circle of burning holy oil with Cas inside, he realized just what that place, that memory, was.

"Look me in the eye and tell me you’re not working with Crowley..!" he heard himself say. And he saw the hurt in his face, but somehow, he felt it a thousand times more. He felt an immense guilt, not too different from his own, yet somehow foreign. 

"Cas? Cas, can you hear me?" he called out, but neither Cas in the fire circle nor anyone else seemed to have hard him. He watched that painful memory unfold, but he noticed it was slightly different from what he remembered. It was worse. He walked past his memory-self and tried to reach for Cas, only to be enveloped by pitch black darkness. When he got his vision back, there was no fire, and no one around.

But there was a river, and a forest, and it felt sinister. Dean felt all his senses heighten, he felt alarmed. He felt pure.

"Cas, I hope you got your ears on. I hope you're okay. I’m coming to get you, so…watch yourself." he heard his own voice echo through the air, much louder and clearer that the forests sounds, than the river flowing, than the monsters around. And suddenly he noticed him. Cas. Sitting by the river, alone, dirty, and filled with guilt. Not responding. He walked over.

"Cas? Cas, can you hear me?" he asked tentatively, but again, he didn’t seem to be reaching through the veil. Cas couldn’t hear him.

Dean felt desperation rise in the pit of his stomach. If he couldn’t get through to Cas in time…was that even Cas? Or just his memory? He felt his pulse increase, his throat closing on him. The world went black again.

* * *

Dean felt sick to his stomach. Unable to determine how much time have passed, he was jumping from one bad memory to another, just watching. He couldn’t reach Cas, he couldn’t do _anything_. He saw himself treating Cas like shit, he saw himself beating Cas bloody, he saw Cas alone and cold on the streets, he saw _Cas_ and he saw _himself_ and he felt it. _All of it_. And he couldn’t do anything but relive it again and again.

This time, he was in a old crypt. He saw himself again, face all cut up and bloody, kneeling in front of Cas. He knew, he could tell he was saying something, but he couldn’t hear properly. His ears were ringing and he felt numb. And Cas kept hiting him and Dean still couldn’t make up a word of what he was saying.

"We’re…you…" he could faintly hear some of his own words. What did he say back then? Why couldn’t he remember? Dean was getting desperate. And then it hit him.

It was Cas who didn’t remember. Who hadn’t heard back then.

"I need you." he found himself, his past and his actual self, saying in unison. Loud and clear. The ringing stopped. Cas dropped the angel blade and slowly looked up. Not at the bloody Dean kneeling in front of him.

_What broke the connection?_

"Dean…?" Cas asked incredulously, his blue eyes piercing Dean’s very bare soul. He wanted to say something, he wanted to say so much. He made a step forward, Cas still watching him as if to determine whether this Dean was real or not.

"Cas, I-" And the crypt faded to pitch black.

And Dean was standing in a barn. It was just him, his memory self, and Bobby. The barn’s walls were painted with every sigil imaginable, yet he felt calm. He felt anticipation. He could almost feel his breath getting stuck in his lungs in the waiting for it to happen.

The night they’ve met.

Was this one of Cas‘ bad memories? Meeting Dean? Did he actually regret meeting him? Dean felt sick, he felt every inch of his body fighting nausea. _Cas‘ biggest regret_ …

Suddenly, rumbling noises echoed through the barn’s walls and roof. And while Dean remembered being on edge back then, this time, he could hear it.

"Dean? Dean?" as if someone was thinking about him, calling out to him, reaching out to him, words laced with a strong sense of duty and emotion. And then the barn door flew open, and accompanied by numerous blows and sparks, Castiel walked in. Dean felt himself hold his breath. And yet, this wasn’t Castiel from back then, not entirely. Dean had no idea how, but he could tell. He could feel it in his bones, in his gut, in his heart.

This was Cas. _His Cas._

And Cas almost passed him on his way to the memory of Dean from that night, when he suddenly froze. The whole scene froze – the sounds, the sparks, the people. It was only Dean and Cas, who suddenly turned to him.

"Dean, is that…is that the real you?" he asked cautiously, those blue eyes cutting straight into him. Dean nodded.

"It’s me, Cas."

Cas still looked utterly confused.

"What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to be here." Dean felt his mouth curl into the tiniest of smiles.

"I’ve come to grip you tight and raise you from perdition." he said, feeling his heart beating so fast it felt like it could jump out of his chest. It was now or never. And then Cas was crushing him in an unexpected hug. Dean would have loved to savor that moment a bit, but they still had work to do. He pulled away and looked at Cas.

"We have to go." Cas wasn’t smiling.

"Dean, I can’t leave." Dean bit his lip and placed his hand on Cas‘ shoulder.

"Yes, you can. We have a portal that humans can pass through. It won’t last long, so we have to move." he explained, looking straight into his eyes as he handed him a small glass bottle. Cas blinked.

"I’m not…" he started, then he blinked again as it dawned on him just what was Dean asking him to do. Dean felt his heart clench. Now it was up to Cas. What if Cas didn’t want to leave? What if he didn’t want to become human? He swallowed nervously, awaiting Cas‘ reply. But the angel instead gently took the container from Dean’s hand, his touch lingering maybe a millisecond longer than it had to.

"Cas, be caref-" started Dean, but Cas had already made a small incision in his throat and now his grace, the bright blue celestial energy, was leaking out and into the container. His eyes shone the same colour and Dean watched in awe. This was an angel, celestial being, … _Cas_ , giving up his essence, his grace, to be with _him_. And if that didn’t feel surreal, then nothing ever would. It only took a few seconds to completely drain the angel. Or ex-angel, Dean thought as Cas closed the bottle, obviously unsure what to do with it. Dean tried to make his hand less shaky than it felt and grabbed Cas’s hand.

"Let’s go home."

Cas nodded and stepped towards the barn door, but then another voice ripped through the static in the air.

"Castiel. Just what do you think you’re doing?" They both whipped their heads around and were faced with another Cas, this one far more sinister, with black goo oozing from his eyes, nose and ears. Dean felt dread creeping into every molecule of his body. Dread and suffocating emptiness. _The Empty itself,_ he assumed and held Cas‘ hand tighter. He wasn’t losing him, not now, not ever again.

"I’m leaving." said Cas flatly, but Dean could feel him being nervous. Being scared as much as he was. The Empty laughed and Dean felt chills run through his entire body. He looked at Cas, whose eyes shone with determination.

"I’m leaving and you can’t hold me here." he repeated. The Empty furrowed its eyebrows, scowling at them.

"You’re mine. I can do whatever I want here. Let you relive your worst memories, destroy and corrupt your best…" it said, waving hand around as to demonstrate just in what kind of memory they were standing. Dean would have felt relieved, had the situation been different. Cas, however, smirked.

"Not without this." he said and showed the Empty the vial filled with his grace. The Empty froze in its tracks.

"You didn’t…you can’t do this, Castiel!" it yelled angrily and suddenly quickly took off in their direction. Dean immediately felt stupid for not bringing a knife or a gun, but Cas just tightly held onto him.

"Watch me." he said and smashed the bottle with his grace on the ground. Dean felt a powerful wave sweep him of his feet, he saw the brightest blue light, and he felt Cas squeezing his hand. And then everything went black.

* * *

"Dean..?" Dean could hear his name being called, as if from a great distance. He tried to open his eyes, but his eyelids felt glued shut. He groaned and tried to push himself up.

"Hey, Dean..take it easy." He could hear the worry in Sam’s voice. Slowly, he managed to open his eyes, his vision a bit blurry. He was in his bedroom, in the bunker. Sam was there, sitting next to his bed, now clear relief washing all over his face. He blinked once, twice, the recent events settling into his memory. He inhaled sharply.

"Cas..?!" he asked in panic, utter panic, because after all that, he still hadn’t gotten to tell him. He failed him again and he wasn’t sure his heart could bear that sort of pain, that sort of guilt. He could hear quick steps, and before he could ever register it, the door flew open.

"Dean!" Dean’s eyes met the blue ones, the blue ones he had feared he’d never get to see again. His breath hitched in his throat, taking it all in. He looked tired, perhaps more than Dean felt, and his hair was a mess. He was wearing a plaid shirt that Dean vaguely recognized as his own, and he was unshaven. He looked so vulnerable, so real.

So human.

"Cas…" he managed to croak before Cas was all over him, hugging him tightly. Dean swallowed and wrapped his arms around him. He was there. He was truly there. In the corner of his eye he could see Sam awkwardly clearing his throat and leaving the room. Only then did Cas let go, even if just a little bit.

"Cas, I gotta tell you something…" he started. How many times had he imagined this conversation? How many times had he wished for it to happen back then in Purgatory or in the room 7B? Damn too many, too many tears and too many sleepless nights drowned in booze. But that had been in the past.

"Dean, I know." said Cas gently and smiled at him, the wrinkles around his eyes showing just how deep had that emotion been carved in his features. Dean could have sworn his heart skipped a beat. How could he ever think that Cas wasn’t capable of such feelings was beyond him at that moment, with Cas right there, with him. He gave him a determined look.

"No, listen Cas. I’m doing this." He said and cupped Cas‘ face with his hand, directing his gaze to him and him only. He felt his heart pounding rapidly in his chest, his mouth was dry and yet he was calm, as calm as he had ever been. It felt good.

"I love you too."

It felt right.

**Author's Note:**

> I originally intended to go all the way to the very End, and I still might, after all there are still things and pissed off entities to deal with.


End file.
